Mother Merry Furthur takes a drive!This is deep, Really? DEEP so pay attention. . .
Who is Mother Merry Furthur and where is she taking us?
A lesson in Never Trust a Prankster
by Are We Really?
Mother Merry Furthur takes a drive!
This is deep, Really? DEEP so pay attention. . .
Who is Mother Merry Furthur and where is she taking us?
A lesson in Never Trust a Prankster
by Are
We Really?
"Alright Really, I want to know the true, complete scoop of what happened
to Mother Merry Furthur at Goldies???!!!"
a question Lucky Lynn, Mother Merry Furthur's associate, posed recently!
Well you have to understand that Big Mother Merry was on two airplane flights from the hallowed halls of the Rock Hall to Houston before arriving in San Francisco where I picked her up during a layover on the way to Oregon in another attempt to straighten out a Prankster left turn . Upon descending into San Francisco International Airport, she had been averaging about three hours of sleep a night over the previous week and was bleery eyed having drank a pint of Jim Beam and eaten a couple of Vicodon to nurse her broken foot . Mother Merry Furthur almost caused an international incident upon her arrival because of two good eyes through which she couldn't really see. Mother Merry thought these Japanese guys waiting for their flight to Seattle were actually Koreans. So naturally the first thing she did was to drop her bags and cell phone and stood in front of them... lifted up her skirt and yelled... "WHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEE, IT'S SOOOOO NICE TO BE BACK IN SAN FRANCISCO!!!" The Korean thing had something to do with a party at a karaoke bar after an arduous convention at SanFrancsico's Moscone Center in 1990.Thank gawd I know the assistant curator of art exhibits for the airport commission who helped me get her out of the security area where the airport police had taken her.
I drove Mother Merry Furthur out along the coast toward Goldie's in Stinson Beach, an hour north of San Francisco, to avoid the heavy traffic areas in San Francisco because Mother Merry had rolled down the window and stuck her head out, sort of like dogs to get the wind in their face. We stopped at Ocean Beach near the Cliff House in San Francisco to pee at the Beach Chalet which is actually the old Dick's at the Beach, a biker bar. Mother Merry Furthur walked up to everyone of those burly bikers she passed on her way to the can and asked them where in the hell they got that wimpy tatoo because she didn't want to make the mistake of going to the same tatoo parlor! We barely escaped from there. Had I not known how to sneak out through the kitchen into Golden Gate Park, we both would have had knuckle tatoos on our faces.
To get to Stinson Beach, you have to drive over the Golden Gate Bridge into Marin County, then drive over Mount Tamalpais which is a 4,200 foot peak filled with Redwood and Eucalyptus forests. The trip over the Golden Gate Bridge was quite memorable because Mother Merry Furthur took the liberty of crawling into the back of my station wagon, opened the back hatch and then mooned an entire bus load of tourists who were taking photographs of each other with the bridge in the background. She hung her butt out the back for the entire mile and a half across the bridge. Of course I couldn't hurry to get over the bridge because the speed limit is only 45 miles per hour with a $500 fine for speeding. The Golden Gate Bridge District surveillance video tapes must have been very interesting that afternoon!!!
I thought things might calm down a bit when we stopped at my friend Howard's home at the base of the mountain. But all hell broke loose when Howard gave Mother Merry a tour of his corn patch. Mother Merry Furthur ripped up all of the ten foot high stalks while loudly proclaiming... "YOU CALL THIS CORN??? WHERE I COME FROM... THEY WOULDN'T FEED THIS CORN TO THE HOGS"!!! Howard looked at his corn patch laying on the ground, fell to his knees and cried... "Holy Moly Really?" Where did this woman come from"?
We drove to the top of the Mountain with several tragedies narily averted. Mount Tam is the birthplace of Mountain Biking and everytime we passed a biker trudging up the hill, Mother Merry Furthur leaned out of the window, grabbed the biker's ass and said "NOT BAD... NOT BAD"!!!
On the descent down the western slope of the Mountain toward the ocean and Stinson Beach, Mother Merry Furthur made me stop the car again to pee. She ran up the hill into a grove of giant redwood trees where I could see her in the distance stripping off her clothes and yelling... "I LOVE MOTHER NATURE" It was about an hour and ten minutes before I caught up with her where she was lying in a mountain stream splashing her arms and singing... "ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT, GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM... MERRILY MERRILY MERRILY MERRILY... LIFE IS BUT A DREAM".
The sun was low in the afternoon sky by the time we got back to the car and drove a few more miles down into Stinson Beach. If you saw the movie Basic Instincts with Sharon Stone and Michael Douglass, the road they drove to the house at the beach is the same road we were now on. Mother Merry Furthur realized this and was now foaming at the mouth and saying, "I'LL KILL THE BITCH, WHERE THE HELL DOES SHE LIVE"?
I managed to calm her down by stopping at the ice cream stand my friend Whiz has at the only stop sign in Stinson Beach. Stinson Beach is a very small town which gets overrun with beach-goers, surfers and picnickers on the weekends. My friend has a very lucrative little business there selling a ton of ice cream and a little local weed on the side to those who know him. I scored a number, lit it and stuck into Big Mother Merry's mouth and slapped her in the stomach which caused her to inhale. She coughed as she exhaled, and her eyes turned real red then she started to giggle and laugh uncontrollably. She bought a half a dozen ice cream bars and walked over to the fire station and started flirting with the Stinson Beach volunteer fire department crew who were cleaning up after a call to the beach where a group of surfers had become rowdy and set the bathrooms on fire.
Mother Merry Furthur grabbed the fire hose and single handedly rolled it neatly up into a perfect coil. She inspected the handsome fire crew while proclaiming to be a distant cousin of Lili Hitchcock-Coit, who paid admiration to the firefighters from the 1906 Earthquake and Fire that destroyed San Francisco by constructing a 120 foot high concrete monument in the shape of a fire hose nosel. "A fine crew" Mother Merry Furthur proclaimed about the volunteer fire department, "you're a fine, fine crew".
Goldie's house at Stinson Beach is located on a sandy spit bordered on one side by the Pacific Ocean and the other side by the lagoon that feeds over to Bolinas. The ocean is a few minutes walk, but the lagoon comes right up to Goldie's back deck. There are other homes located on the lagoon that are vacation or second homes to wealthy citizens of the world. Goldie is the weathiest and wisest among them in many ways. She can stack a deck higher than any Las Vegas dealer We had to stop at a guard house and get clearance. While waiting for Goldie to answer the phone to give the ok, Mother Merry Furthur got out of the car and walked over to inspect the '63 Cherry Red Ford pickup that apparently belonged to the guard. He moved with lightening speed to protect that truck from Mother Merry Furthur who was about to climb in behind the wheel. Mother Merry Furthur stood up and eyed the impending guard and then just lowered her shoulder down and laid the most perfect block on the approaching guard I have seen since the retirement of Dick Butkus . It was obvious he was going to be out like a light for a while, so we just lifted that gate and drove right in.
Goldie is the perfect hostess greeting us with open arms and a chilled bottle of Dry Creek Valley Chardonnay and some locally grown produce as appetizers. We sat on the back deck next to the lagoon chilling out from the exciting ride out from the airport. Other homes in the neighborhood were hosting similiar situations with vacationeers and beach dwellers enjoying the 80 degree summer weather. Stinson Beach sits at the western base of Mount Tam providing a perfect viewpoint to watch the hang gliders who jump off the top of Mt. Tam and ride the updrafts from the ocean all the way to perfect landings on the beach. While we sat there, four colorful hang gliders flittered and floated down in a fashion similiar to seagulls lazily looking for fish. When Mother Merry Furthur first caught a glimpse of the gliders, she wasn't quite sure what she was seeing because the wine and the appetizers were distorting her perception. She stood up and stared straight up turning and twisting with every move of the hang gliders as they gently wound their way down, inching ever closer to the houses surrounding the lagoon. Mother Merry Furthur had become rather dizzy and somewhat disoriented watching the movement of the gliders.
Whoooops... S P L A S H ! ! ! Mother Merry fell off the back deck into the lagoon As she floated away from the dock on her back... she once again began singing... "row row row your boat, gently down the stream"... Goldie and I watched incredulously as she floated across the lagoon toward the houses on the other side. Mother Merry climbed up on the deck of a million dollar beach house that was hosting a group of Bank of Ireland Marketing vice presidents for a weekend brainstorming session. From where we stood, we watched Mother Merry Furthur shake the water off her mane and ring her skirt out. The acoustics in the lagoon are such that we could easily hear every word of Mother Merry Furthur's. She eyed the group vice presidents and said "So you think you're Irish do ya'... let me see that bottle... I'll show you how to toast". We could see Big Mother Merry pour herself a large glass of whatever it was... then we heard her say... "HERE'S TO YOU... AND HERE'S TO ME... THE H E L L WITH YOU... AND HERE'S TO ME"! And then she slammed down whatever drink she had poured herself. We could see five of the vice presidents grab Mother Merry Furthur and throw her back into the lagoon where she floated back over to Goldie's. We helped her dry off and gave her another glass of wine. Mother Merry Furthur sat down on a lounge chair on Goldie's deck and dozed off. Goldie and I just looked at each other and shook our heads.
Mother Merry Furthur's artful pass out on the deck was topped off by the fact that she had fallen into the chaize lounge in such a way that her butt was partially exposed resulting in the oddest pattern of sunburn you ever had the chance to witness.
And that Lucky Lynn is exactly what happened to Mother Merry Furthur on her way
to Goldie's.
No kidding Lynn... honest!
